Progressive Prison Project
Innocent Spouse & Children Project
Greenwich, Connecticut
Dealing with the Shame of Depression
and Bipolar Illness:
The Silver Lining for Those
Who Find the Courage to Share
By John S. Tamerin, MD - Guest Blogger
“You are only
as sick as your secrets”
- Author
Unknown
Despite considerable efforts to de-stigmatize bipolar
illness and depression, many people continue to be ashamed and reluctant to acknowledge,
accept, and discuss with others the reality of their symptoms or their illness.
I believe this is one of a number of reasons why many people with depression
avoid treatment and/or may not fully recover despite receiving excellent
medical care.
Sadly
many people with bipolar illness and depression continue to feel shame and
often blame themselves for their condition. They feel embarrassed to discuss their situation which
leaves them feeling stigmatized and alone. The reality is simply this: Their illness is a fact. It’s not their fault. Their challenge is to accept this reality without feeling shame.
For many this is very difficult. For others it seems to be almost impossible. The pain of any illness including
depression is real, but one does not have compound that pain by also feeling
shame.
Anyone with major
depression or bipolar illness has to try to cope with painful and debilitating
symptoms, but that does not mean that he or she should, in any way, be embarrassed
to have the symptoms of the illness.
Indeed, I have observed that one of the most important psychological
steps towards recovery is ownership and the ability to gradually be open about
one’s condition without shame. I believe it is also important for their spouses
and parents to acknowledge this reality.
Having facilitated our
Greenwich DBSA support group for over a decade I have discovered that
this process is best conducted in a safe setting of peers all of whom
are coping with the same issues including shame and stigma. In our support
group we regularly have talked in depth, with both pain and passion, about our
personal struggles with shame and stigma, our fears and feelings of rejection, our
fears of never recovering, and our embarrassment about sharing our experiences
or diagnosis with other people. Everyone in the support group understands these
emotions and has experienced them.
It has become increasingly
apparent to me that as people talk about these fears in group, their shame
diminishes, their burden becomes lighter and their depression decreases. As
they share these vulnerable emotions members feel less isolated and less alone.
Members have been
encouraged and supported by the group to gradually take the risk of
talking about their condition outside of the group. This is a very complex and
controversial matter given the stigma that sadly still exists. People are often
terrified that they will be rejected and negatively stereotyped if they reveal
they have depression or bipolar illness. Tragically, sometimes this does happen
both in personal and vocational settings.
On the other hand, it has frequently
been observed in our group that as some of our members have found the courage to
be open about their condition, they realize that their fears of rejection were
exaggerated. In most instances
they discover they then feel closer to the people with whom they have
shared their “secret.” The irony of exposing this “shameful secret” is
that, contrary to their fear of being rejected, our members have
discovered because of their greater openness they are now making closer
friends.
As members of our group
find the courage to gradually share their vulnerabilities, they feel a heavy
burden has been lifted and they discover that gradually a unique human bond has
often been formed. Indeed, they now feel closer than they ever had previously
to those people with whom they have opened up. This newly discovered emotional intimacy derived from shared
vulnerability has become the “silver lining” of their illness!
Our
members have found this is a totally different type of emotional and
interpersonal experience than they might have previously had in sharing achievements,
accomplishments, information or work issues, recreational activities or
hobbies. This type of
interpersonal sharing is sharing from the heart and from the soul. This experience, as it is increasingly
repeated, can become a source and a wellspring of love of self and of others.
This may well be the
paradox of mental illness. It can be and often is a source of shame,
humiliation, and isolation. On the other hand, it can open up the possibility
for the deepest kind of human relationship which can ultimately result in truly
accepting oneself in all aspects of one’s humanity.
Themes of initial shame and denial followed by men
and women eventually opening up and sharing the truth about their illness en
route to recovery show up in virtually every issue of BP magazine. I agree with the editors of the
magazine and firmly believe that this is a crucial matter and a major step in
recovery. I also believe this essential transformative process is
insufficiently appreciated and/or addressed by my medical and psychiatric
colleagues. If they really believed that this was a central issue in recovery
they would refer many more of their patients to DBSA support groups.
I realize this may be a
highly provocative proposal and that self-revelation is perhaps not for
everyone and, when it is done, must be done thoughtfully, carefully and
certainly not when one is in a manic state.
One final proviso, no one
who reads this paper should reach the conclusion that simply “coming out” and
talking about one’s depression will cure it. It won’t. Many people need to be
stabilized and maintained on appropriate medication for their entire lives.
Please feel free to contact me at Jtamerin@optonline.net
Dr. John
Tamerin is a friend of our ministries. This article was originally written by him for the DBSA Leadership Circle Newsletter entitled Perspectives. Dr. Tamerin is a member of DBSA's Board of
Directors and Medical Consultant to the Greenwich, Connecticut DBSA Chapter.
Dr. Tamerin, a psychiatrist with over 40 years
of clinical experience, has served for many years as Clinical Associate
Professor at Weill/Cornell School of Medicine teaching residents and medical
students. He has consistently been voted one of the Top Doctors in America by
Castle Connelly.
Dr. Tamerin has published extensively in the areas of mood
disorders and the addictions. He has served on the GAP committee on Alcoholism
and the Addictions, the Committee on Human Sexuality and most recently has
joined the committee on Psychiatry and the Arts. His goal in this series of
articles is to further integrate medicine with the Humanities and the Arts by
presenting new and provocative perspectives of direct relevance to the
treatment of people suffering with mood disorders.
______________
Progressive Prison Project/
Innocent Spouse & Children Project
at Christ Church Greenwich 254 East Putnam Avenue
Greenwich, Conecticut 06830
Mailing Address: P.O. Box 1232, Weston, Connecticut 06883
Central Ministry & Office: Weston, Connecticut
Rev. Jeff Grant, JD, M Div, Minister/Director
(o) +1203.769.1096
(m) +1203.339.5887
jgrant@prisonist.org
jg3074@columbia.edu
Lynn Springer, Advocate, Innocent Spouses & Children
lspringer@prisonist.org
(m) +1203.536.5508
George Bresnan, Advocate
gbresnan@prisonist.org
